Remember how it was painful the first time? Take it and multiply a million times — that’s how a relapse would naturally feel. When you think you’re doing just fine and then one day it all blows up in your face — that you’re not fine, not a single fvcking bit, that’s relapsing.
I had a good conversation with a friend earlier. He said, “I remember when I first saw you, you were a rock star. You have this confident vibration, you exude positive energy, you do things for yourself and you enjoy being yourself no matter how people sees you. That’s the Cai I know. But you are not her right now. You’re vibrations are all over the place.”
My friend asked me, “Do you believe in destiny?”, and I was like, “What destiny?”
“That there’s someone meant for you.”
“Well, I’d like to believe there is.”
“He’s out there. But he will not be able to see you. Maybe you’ll meet him tonight. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Probably next month, or next year. But he will not see you. You’re not letting him see you. You have all these doubts in your head and even if you don’t speak of it, it is apparent.”
He told me to let go and let myself be. Not for everyone to see, not for everyone to appreciate, but for myself. Truly, I should not doubt myself, I should not doubt who I am, because who I am is beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with being who I am, there’s nothing wrong with me.
“Tigilan mo yan. Rock star ka. Yon Cai na pinakamalupit, andyan na yon eh. Andyan lang yon.”